I walked some of the way to therapy this morning. It is a cold quite rainy day, so beautiful. The air crisp, the ocean a pale aqua, lots of white in the sky. My heart felt full. How lucky I am to have found a person to help me make sense of everything, and lead me away from my own dead end type of thinking and living.
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It used to be my story, it was my history, but it is not any more. Now I am stepping out of history. I am surrounded by people who all seem to really love me just for who I am, being not perfect. As far as dreams go, receiving unconditional love and being important to somebody has been number one since I was very small. It is flipping marvelous to have that dream finally come true. This is really being alive!
I never felt I had one. I wandered around the world, trying to flee gruesome demons, riding my bicycle, doing adventurous things, trying to settle, trying to find home geographically. Is it here? Is it here? Nope. Kept having to move from one place to the next; that small child within crying out where is home, am I ever going to have a home?
Now I have discovered that it is not geographical. It is right deep within. You know how to recognize it when you have cleaned up the inner mess, and can risk being real. You realize that people love you anyway. It is the love and the real connection, from heart to heart, that counts. It is my home.
I am not saying I do not want the physical one too. Of course I do, I am not that spiritually detached – I do not want to be! But first things first. With a foundation for a better life, finding fulfillment and making dreams come true has become a reality for me.